So if you remember, at 31 years old and being a mom, I decided to become a doctor. This decision challenged my life in every possible way, one of which involved me facing an old teenage crush, whose name was Lucas, whom I called to set up an interview.
Following that call to Lucas, I released my anxiety under the shape of diarrhoea. A colleague of mine stared at me, inspecting my drained appearance. “I must have eaten something off; not feeling great!” I tried to justify. He grinned with compassion and suggested I took the rest of the afternoon, he would cover for me. I didn’t wait a second and ran to my uni friend, Christina.
Despite being generally negative, she was my self-development counselor.
“We have two hours to sort me out for this interview” I warned Christina, as I stepped into her penthouse. Christina and I attended LSE together with Lewa. Soon after graduation, she became pregnant and decided to stay at home for her child. Since then, she had another 2. She lived with her husband she barely encountered, but he was earning a great income to support her. She enjoyed undertaking training for the sake of knowledge but not to earn a living from it. Learning was her favourite hobby. A couple of years ago, she followed a counseling training; I was her only “client”.
“it’s never going to work in two hours.” Didn’t I just say she was negative?
“So let’s not waste any more time.” As I comfortably sat on her sofa, she brought her notes, reluctant.
Breaking the cycle of feelings
- Identify the feelings and the source
“So Lucas? Describe me your feelings when you think about him.” She asked with a serious tone, meaning we were now in a counselor/client meeting and no longer two long-term friends chatting.
I didn’t know how to answer that question. Have you ever tried to decipher and describe with specific words your feelings towards someone else? I hardly found a couple of adjectives.
“Describe how you feel about him.” I quickly responded: ” He’s a dickhead.”
Christina rolled her eyes. “That’s not a feeling.”
I disagree, I feel he’s a genuine heartfelt dickhead.
“Even though many adjectives exist, we tend to come from a place of love or fear. Which one would you apply to Lucas?” What? That was it? Only two different feelings: fear or love.
“I certainly don’t love him. But I definitely don’t fear him.” I protested.
“It’s either one or the other.” She elaborated.
“How about feeling guilty?” I challenged. “It’s fear of doing something wrong” She quickly responded.
“And shame?” I added with a raised eyebrow.
“It’s fear of being judged” she winked at me knowing that she had scored a point. Could it really be that all of our feelings can be summarised down to two: FEAR OR LOVE?
- Identify the expectations
“Next question, what are your expectations towards him?” This question took me by surprise because I wasn’t expecting anything from him. I just shook my head.
“Are you sure you are not expecting an apology for what happened and the way he broke your heart?” my eyes lit up. “That would be indeed appropriate and appreciated.” I played in my head a scenario of how he would apologise to me.
“So you are feeling scared that he won’t apologise to you and that is driving you sick.” I wanted to protest against this statement but it screamed the truth. I felt anxious because I wanted him to recognise the pain he inflicted when he rejected me. I wanted him to feel bad about my broken heart. I wanted him to feel guilty.
- Addressing the sh$£@..t
“You are not going to like what I am about to say…” She started.
“Well, I am not sure I want to hear it.” I continued, looking worried.
“You said you wanted to address your flaws.” She countered, not even trying to reassure me. And she resumed anyway.
“Your expectation of an apology… it’s not gonna happen.”
My soul screamed why. Wasn’t I worth an apology? My anxiety level just suddenly rose and the diarrhoea wasn’t far.
“Should I continue? You seem upset.” She dared to ask. “It’s painful, but it’s time to address this shit Olivia and you know it.”
Of course, I knew.
“When you go shopping, do you feel like you have to apologise for choosing the tomatoes and not the carrots?” She threw at me.
I was following her analogy with a raised eyebrow. “Basically you are saying that Lucas had the right not to choose me and therefore I shouldn’t resent him.” She gasped, happy to realise I was making progress. This whole situation just meant that Lucas didn’t like the carrots I was proposing, it did not imply the carrots were intrinsically wrong.
“Huh… interesting angle Christina.” I admitted.
- Staying in the present
“Because you’re still processing this new angle of the story, on your way there, I want you to focus on your immediate surrounding. Just describe in your head or write in a notebook everything you see until you sit in front of him. And then, notice every flaw he might demonstrate.” I looked at her, puzzled, while she handed me a notebook.
“The objective is to keep your mind off of your unrealistic expectation that triggers real feelings making you sick. So this way you are trying to break the cycle.”
That’s why Christina convinced me to begin meditation, she found me being too restless and easily worried. However, I hadn’t been meditating lots lately, so keeping my thoughts in check would be another challenge.
But I was ready.
She waved me goodbye and, during my journey, I meticulously applied everything she said and felt at ease.
I reached the clinic and my thoughts wandered off to “expectations land.” My heart started to race…. No no no! I began counting the number of magazines on the table as I waited for him.
“Olivia?”
And there it was, my first encounter with Lucas.
Meditation is the perfect recommendation! Get out of the real world and really do some inner self reflection. Once confidence is increased, other peoples actions won’t be internalized!
Wow that sounds liek a lot of stress and alot of work to prep for one interview. I hope it all went well.
Not gonna lie, I was a little taken aback by her angle on this situation. I hope it worked out for you!
Love the funny illustration! This is such a great read, thanks for sharing!
This must not have been easy to write. But thank you for sharing! 😀
This is so great post.Thank you for sharing.I love it.
These are great ways to identify your true feelings about a situation and how to cope. Sometimes we need to just think a little deeper about what is going on in life.
I love the pictures you add with your chapters, it really brings the characters to life! Christina does seem to be negative a lot..Not sure if I would hire her to be my counselor lol
I can’t tell if this is a true story or a story for your blog. Whichever, I love it! And if it’s your story, congrats on going to medical school!!!
I love the fact that you add pictures it helps to illustrate it all. Christina comes off a little insensitive. Good read.
Love this! I love the way you present the points within the story! Great read!
Love the pics… Christina seems a bit much on the insensitive side…
Wow this was great ! Crazy to think our emotions can be broken down into just the two – fear and love !!
Love reading your stories – you are a wonderful storyteller and I love how Christina is a little sassy and takes no rubbish! Your illustrations are also great!
I wonder if all Christina’s are negative by Nature? I know I sure battle with it. Great story so far. I’ll stay tuned.
I agree that the first step is alway identification.
Soo Im reading your blog post, I’m dying to know if this is a story or real life story? Haha! Either way it’s all very good to read 🙂
Great article. I can relate to this. I get stuck in my feelings all the time and it does require me to acknowledge them and work them out to myself. I have found myself being upset or angry about something and then later realizing that I had not right to be upset about any of it. Thank you for sharing!
Wow this is interesting. I love the analyzation of love and fear. I’ll have to think about that one.
I am definitely taking the putting aside expectations tidbit to work in my life right now. That is advice that I need right now. That kind of blunt statement is sometimes necessary.
Wow! This was such an insightful and eye opening post! Thanks so much for sharing!
I think we all need a Christina in our lives, I don’t think she is negative, just too realistic, haha. Identifying feelings is hard!
Wow, I was riveted reading this! Love the graphics – they bring so much to an already-fascinating story.
I keep hearing about all the wonderful benefits of meditating. I know I need to give it a try but I just can’t find the time in my day to try it. By the time I have a spare minute I’m usually off to bed for the night.
interesting read I must say… I love how you wrote it out in a dialogue while breaking it down into sections…
Love and heartbreak can be so confusing and hard to work through, so YES meditate and self-love, there’s nothing wrong, sometimes things just don’t workout/last.
Congrats on becoming a doctor! I love the funny illustrations to go along with your story.
The picture are funny and make a difference. I love this post, Just started yoga and can not wait to try meditating I heard it does wonders.
Interesting. I think your friend did great explaining things to you. I was doubting her in the beginning because I didn’t like her negativity, lol.
It is always difficult to change carriers but it is not impossible. I am struggling the same things I have to say so I have to try yoga or meditation too.
Managing expectations can be very helpful. Sometimes reality and expectations can be two different stories.
I enjoyed reading your take on life, hope you sort out your conflict. And yes as others recommended Yoga is excellent way of searching one self.
All the best. Keep posting, i love your post.
All of this is such great advice when it comes to handling feelings. They can put us in a cycle of negative emotions and that’s bad. So good you have found a way through them.
Thank you for the lead-up story and I enjoy reading your posts!