So if you remember, at 31 years old, I decided to become a doctor. The process impacts my life as a woman and as a mother more than I expected. I am saying goodbye to my old life and old habits.

Today is one of these farewell days.

I come back earlier from work to take care of Lina’s hair. Tomorrow, she will go to her best friend’s house for a sleepover and therefore, she needs a new hairstyle. Cole comes back at his usual time and finds us both in the living room having the usual mother-daughter argument around hair management.

“Mummy, it hurts.”

beginning of the end post 12

I see him smile at this familiar conflictual scene, as he opens the letters. I smile back. For a second his eyes fixed the paper he just took out from a large brown envelope. He stops smiling. My heart immediately races. He puts the envelope back and does not say a word. I follow him with my eyes and form silent words with my mouth: what’s going on?

I don’t want to alert Lina. He shakes his head. “I am going for a run, my princess. I will see you later.” That’s all he says. He changes and runs out of the house with no eye contact.

“Let’s take a quick break, Lina” I suggest. I don’t wait for her reaction and pace towards this mysterious brown envelope. My hands sweat, as I imagine the worst.

It was the final decree officialising our divorce.

“Mummy, can I watch Frozen?”

The official paper confirming the death of our marriage… I am speechless.

I am distracted by a range of emotions I just can’t tell from each other.

I am the one, who filed for the divorce petition. Shouldn’t I be thrilled?

“Mummy?” Lina waits for my answer.

“No, Lina,” I respond. “It is time for us to discover other movies than Frozen.”

Lina frowns her confused eyes.

“Why? We love Frozen”

“We do love it, but we reach a point where sometimes things we love hold us back and prevent us from self-discovery,” I explain to Lina. Or am I just explaining this to myself?

Obviously, her response is “Mummy I don’t understand.”

“Just pick another movie, Lina.”

As we watch The Princess and the Frog, my phone vibrates. Cole sends a message:

Cole: at my sister’s tonight. Tell Lina I got to work.

Difficult to concentrate in these circumstances, but eventually I finish Lina’s hairstyle, which she adores.

Once alone in my bed, a tear surprises me. Then a second joins in, and in no time, there is a festival of tears rolling down my cheek. Tears of sadness, tears of happiness, but most of all tears of change. I know I wanted it, but change is fucking painful.


5 thoughts on “Chapter 12 or The beginning of the end”

  1. Wow mama!

    Change is painful and it is also scary but when change comes about for the right reasons it is also amazing!

    Sending love to you and I hope the changes you are looking for are everything you dream them to be

  2. This is so emotional. Change, good and bad, is often so hard, especially when kids are involved. Sending you happy thoughts, mama.

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