So if you remember I am a 31 years old mother, who decided to become a doctor against all odds. This decision impacts so many areas of my life, it is incredible. My love life has been affected, Yesterday I received the letter confirming the divorce to Cole.

Cole didn’t come back and in the morning there are absolutely no signs of him. I take Lina to the nursery and go to work. Should I email him? Should I say something? What do you say to your ex-husband?

Scenario 1: Play it casual

Me: Hi, how’s everything? I dropped Lina at the nursery. She is fine.

Cole – no response

Me: You at work?

Cole – no response

Me: I’m at work. I had porridge this morning, let me send you a picture

Me: picture sent

Me: what do you think? Smiley

Cole: I don’t care.

OK that’s pretty rude.

Scenario 2: play the victim

Me: Cole, I am so sorry about everything. I didn’t want things to end this way.

Me: we should talk, when are you home?

Cole – no response

Me: with the decision to become a doctor, I think it turned my priorities around, I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Cole: you filed for divorce before this decision to become a doctor.

Oops touche!

Reality: play it real

Me: Cole, I think we should talk to work things out for Lina. When are you home?

Cole: Staying with sister for a couple of days. Let’s talk next week.

Next week? It feels like an eternity. But I won’t push him. I think it’s fair for him to have a couple of days to recover from the news.

Since Lina has a sleep over, I am going to call for my own sleep over… with Lewa and Christina.

Christina is the first to react to the announcement. “Fuck! I really thought you would pull the plug at some point and cancel this divorce petition”.

I must confess, I am startled by her remark. “Why would I have not gone ahead with the divorce?”

“because he still loves you” Lewa retorts.

Despite his love for me, I just couldn’t see ourselves together.

“Why did you divorce him again?” Christina quizzes.

I started the procedure a year ago. I remember the day I told him, we were driving back from his sister’s, where I had another speech about how unreligious I was and the lack of Jesus’ presence in Lina’s life.

“I want a divorce,” I said. Cole burst out laughing. After 10 minutes of genuine giggles, he realised I didn’t take back my statement. He turned his head to decipher my expression. I avoid his eyes. At that moment, he was really worried.

“Why?” He demanded

“Does it matter why?” I know, it’s a silly response for such an important discussion.

“Are you kidding me? Of course, it matters.”

He waited for a reaction, but I was just paralysed.

“Are you cheating on me?” he whispered.

“No!” I heard him breathing out with relief. But I hadn’t answered his question.

“Then why? You don’t love me anymore?” he begged

This time, I stared at him. I owed him the truth, he may not understand it, but it was the least I could do for the father of my daughter.

“I want a divorce, not because I don’t love you anymore, but because I don’t love myself, I never have and I want to learn to love myself. But this self-discovery, I can’t do it with you and as your wife.”

His response was simple: ”what a lot of rubbish!!”

I was not expecting him to understand and he didn’t. So whenever I get the question why I filed for divorce. My response is simple.

“Because I didn’t love him anymore.”

Lewa and Christina seem satisfied.

 

 

Post edited by Markesia Barron (Twitter @MarkesiaBarron)

14 thoughts on “Why I Divorced Him”

  1. Wow! This was raw and unapologetically real. I hope that you are able to find peace in who you are and that your journey from here is filled with discovery.

  2. I’ve never been married so I can’t understand or relate to what you went through but I can definitely empathize with what a difficult time it must have been, even with it being your decision.

  3. Wow this is such a lovely honest post. I love your line where you talk about how you discovered that you did not loving yourself….I think that this happens more than not and it is SO important to have that self love, and realize when you are beginning to feel this way. Without it, it is difficult to give love to others. I applaud your bravery and courage for sharing your story!!

  4. This is a very honest post. As someone who is no where near getting married nevermind getting a divorce, I can’t say I understand, but I appreciate the transparency.

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